I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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