May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
