I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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