so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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