Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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