I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I love you.
Bad choice
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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