theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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