you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
