My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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