i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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