My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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