just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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