I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
