A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
