Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
