yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
