I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize