I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
