so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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