I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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