Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
