she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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