I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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