my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
