Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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