i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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