i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
