Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
