I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
