how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
