Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
