i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Drunk is a universal language darling
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
