i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
its liver damage thursday
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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