I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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