Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
