I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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