I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm too high and old for this...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
