i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
