The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
