i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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