Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
