Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
