what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
