The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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