I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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