Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
