If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
