Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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