Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
