Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
