My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
