you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
