Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
