I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
