either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
