just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
