did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
