i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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