So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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