Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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