Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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