do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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