I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
